A mother of four looks at the challenges of being a stay-at-home-mom and the constant need to defend her life decisions.
The former CEO of Pepsico, Indira Nooyi, said these words during an interview back in 2014. I was watching her interview on my phone whilst lying in bed on one side, nursing my one-year-old, with my 6-year-old son and 4-year-old daughter bouncing around the room stirring up their usual midday ruckus. Her words resonated with me so profoundly because I finally got the validation that I had been seeking all these years, and that too from a woman at the highest rung of the corporate ladder - where I once thought I would have ended up myself someday.
By 2014, I had completely given up on having a career and had chosen to commit myself entirely to raising my three kids all below 6 years old. When my third child turned 3 and started kindergarten, I was offered a job both at her school as a tenth grade English teacher, and also at LUMS, my alma mater, as a teaching fellow for Political Science. I chose to teach at her school. It was a no brainer, really. I would be closer to the kids, and I would be able to bring them home straight from school. No major disruptions. No huge sacrifices. No mom guilt. I remember signing my contract over the summer only to find out that I was pregnant again with our fourth child. That job lasted all of eight months, and I didn’t go back for another three years.
Back when I graduated from LUMS in 2003, I really thought I had it all - I was a gold medalist, an international level debater, and even a reasonably good singer. And I had a plan.
I was going to enroll myself straight into a PhD program in the US, so I wouldn’t have to be in Pakistan for the dreaded ‘suitor search’ that every girl had to go through in her twenties. I left with a promise to my parents that I would return as soon as they found someone for me. It was a ruse, really. Mothers of sons weren’t exactly searching far and wide for a headstrong, outspoken, nerdy girl who had no major interest in fashion, makeup, or the kitchen.
As luck would have it, I found someone for me. Marriage changed my entire perspective on what mattered most in life to me. I wanted nothing more than to build a life with my husband. I remember calling him from a library at MIT in the Spring of 2007 and telling him that “I’m sitting in MIT and people would kill to be here, but I don’t want to be here. I just don’t.”
The rest is history. I chose a path for myself very different from what I had ever imagined. It caught my family, friends, and peers by surprise as well. Nooyi rightly said that a woman’s biological clock and career clock are constantly in conflict. You can’t be in both places at the same time, giving a hundred percent to both spheres of your life. Something’s got to give. I decided that it was going to be my career. If I was going to be a mother, I wanted to do it all by myself and the best way I knew how.
No bottles, no nannies, no day care.
There was a time when I had four kids all below eight years old. It was utter madness. Blood, sweat, and tears. Motherhood is tough for everyone - working moms and stay-at-home moms alike. But being a stay-at-home mom can be very lonely. According to a 2012 analysis of more than 60,000 women, stay-at-home moms are more likely to be diagnosed with depression, regardless of the income level. Stay-at-home moms are even more likely to experience worry, stress, sadness, and anger.
Part of the reason behind this is the fact that being a stay-at-home mom is not valued enough. It’s a thankless job where you’re overworked and underpaid. No sick days, no personal days, no annual leave. No JD either. And in moments of self-pity and low self-esteem, it makes you really question your life decisions.
Society's definition of success is so warped. It’s inextricably linked to your financial worth. Not many people question what their work stands for or how it affects the world and their loved ones. As long as it’s raking in the big bucks, you’re gold. Ten years after momming, I decided to start my own venture, Mehreen Does English, offering courses in writing and public speaking to kids. I loved the idea of being able to influence kids during their formative years. Yet even after teaching over 400 kids in the past 6 years, I still hear comments like, “Why are you teaching?” “Why are you wasting your life?” “There is a better world out there.”
But there are many worlds out there. There are infinite permutations and combinations of the life decisions you can make to carve your own kind of world, where you can be yourself and find your inner peace. It all boils down to grit and resilience. You commit to something; you see it through. And you make sacrifices along the way to stay on course. And like I tell my kids: you get what you get, and you don’t get upset!
It’s about time people start realizing that being a stay-at-home mom is often a conscious choice many women around the world make. They actually value the work they’re doing. They actually believe the work is more important than anything they’ll ever do ‘out there’.
My resume has two, italicized single-line paragraphs that read, Parenting Break 1 and Parenting Break 2. My husband’s idea. “You need to tell the world that you were doing something very important during this time.”
He’s right. I was building a better world out there.
Mehreen teaches A level English at LGS and runs workshops in writing and public speaking. When she's not teaching, you can find her in her minivan, or in her kitchen, making the umpteenth snack for the first, second, third, or fourth child.